?It’s easy to be sniffy when discussing late-season games between a pair of average, mid-table teams full of, essentially, cloggers.
And that’s for the best, because it’d be foolish to expend any more effort than strictly necessary in describing Stoke City’s 1-0 defeat to Burnley at Turn Moor on Tuesday night, a drab affair between two teams who came into the game with just four points (and six places) separating them in the vague, more or less safe mid-table positions.
George Boyd flicked in a tidy finish just before the hour mark to snatch the win for the Clarets – meaning that his side have now garnered 32 points at home and just three away this season.
The first half, to give it its credit, certainly provided value for money for the fans in Lancashire – feeling like a near eternity while in reality only lasting the regulation 46 minutes and three seconds. The chances, such as they were, were very much in the ‘half’ category. The niggling fouls made a strong attempt to outnumber the misplaced passes, but failed valiantly.
At one point, in the 34th minute, a section of the crowd chanted ‘w*nker’ for no more than four seconds.
The second half also happened.
The duty of a match report writer has changed over the years, but the primary aim must always be to inform. When, there are no incidents of note of which to inform the reader, then, the job becomes a little more difficult.
So, let’s do some informing. These are some facts.
Shaun Wright-Phillips won more England caps than Ian Wright. A study in 2007 showed that viagra helps hamsters recover up to 50% faster from jetlag. The National Trust and Cadbury’s Egg Hunt actually has the word ‘Easter’ in its branding ?many, many times.
Entertainment is an ever-more important part of the modern match report, particularly online where journalists have to be less concerned with things like actual, physical column inches in newspapers. In that spirit, here are is a video of two very good dogs.
Guide dog on her day off with my retired guide dog. Both trying to look casual when they realise I’m filming them. Pure joy, both of them. pic.twitter.com/tghMhvuYf5
— Howard Hardiman (@howardhardiman) April 2, 2017
To finish with a quick peek behind the curtain – here follows the entire text of the supplementary notes I took down while watching the match:
- ?Burnley fans shouted ‘you fat bastard’ at Charlie Adam a bit at a corner.
- They aren’t wrong.
- The man looks like a plasterer who gets a sweat on telling a particularly exciting anecdote
- Stoke’s away kit is pretty horrible, isn’t it?
- George Boyd. Stop.
- Matthew Lowton has played professional football for a decade and I don’t think I could recognise him if he was wearing his Burnley shirt with his name on the back.
- Are they playing Take That while the teams come back out for the second half?
- Hahahahah Charlie Adam’s fallen over, taken a corner by accident then handballed it.
- There should be a way to order easter eggs on JustEat.
- There’s a Kickstarter in that.
- Marko Arnautovic really ought to be much better at football than he is.
- Robbie Brady being your record signing is like your best pair of shoes being made of crisp packets.
- ?
GEORGE BOYD HAS DONE A THING.
- The commentator has just asked if this is ‘the goal which will keep Burnley in the Premier League’ and should probably now be fired and (possibly?) be put naked in the stocks in his home town.
- Please god let something interesting happen.
- Both sides have less than 70% pass completion right now. Everton had 73% on Saturday, and they were terrible.
- Apparently Paul Pogba’s hit the post at Old Trafford again. He’s still good though.
- Bloody hell, Hoffenheim have beaten Bayern. Scenes.
- GEOFF CAMERON DID A DRIBBLE!!!!!!!!
- Ashley Barnes hacked him down, which is impressive for a man who looks about 47 years old.
- If Burnley play like this when I see them at Goodison in a fortnight, I’m going to riot.
- Ashley Barnes has just squared off with Bruno Martins Indi and I physically cannot think of a less intimidating person in the world than Ashley Barnes, whose face is less ‘carved from a chunk of granite’ and more ‘carved from a…ham’.
?
- SIX MINUTES OF STOPPAGE TIME. SIX. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? WHICH OF MY MYRIAD SINS MADE THIS HAPPEN?
- ASHLEY BARNES IS SERIOUSLY TRYING TO INTIMIDATE BRUNO MARTINS INDI AGAIN
- It’s going to be impossible to get more than 250 words out of this game unless I go seriously off-piste, isn’t it?
For more from Chris when he’s not writing on 90min, follow him on Twitter at @ThatChris1209
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